OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
