It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
