I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
