matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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