Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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