Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
