I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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