so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
