I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
