Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
