The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
