"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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