The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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