So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
