dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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