It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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