Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
