Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
