I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
