Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He? As in you personified your dick?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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