just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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