I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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