Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
