sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
