Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
