i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
