dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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