so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
