you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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