ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
