sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
