so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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