so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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