Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
