i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
