Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
