a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
