Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
