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I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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