I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
