The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
