You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
