What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
