my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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