I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
