How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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