Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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