I feel great
I just peed on a car
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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