i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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