I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
