And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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