So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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